Journals48
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College
1 min read
I do believe www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvDMlk… sums up my college experience so far.
Random songs, Russian and fangirling. Although we can't find a song for Putin...
I am really enjoying college, even if just for the difference in like pace.
Loving the classes, hating the homework though.
I DON'T WANNA WRITE ABOUT WHY/HOW I LEARN LANGUAGES!!
But it's all good.
Most awkward thing atm, is that Paula and Chambers have split up.
And Chambers really isn't taking it well...
And Elaine took it upon herself to inform Shane that Paula doesn't miss him at all, that he was a burden on her.
(This is a semi lie, she does miss him, but he was a lot of time).
Hence he's going a bit mental.
Ah well...
How is life for everyone else? Is anyone around on Friday?
Random songs, Russian and fangirling. Although we can't find a song for Putin...
I am really enjoying college, even if just for the difference in like pace.
Loving the classes, hating the homework though.
I DON'T WANNA WRITE ABOUT WHY/HOW I LEARN LANGUAGES!!
But it's all good.
Most awkward thing atm, is that Paula and Chambers have split up.
And Chambers really isn't taking it well...
And Elaine took it upon herself to inform Shane that Paula doesn't miss him at all, that he was a burden on her.
(This is a semi lie, she does miss him, but he was a lot of time).
Hence he's going a bit mental.
Ah well...
How is life for everyone else? Is anyone around on Friday?
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Graduation
1 min read
In 4 1/2 hours I will be at the school, graduation mass will have started. At half 10 it'll be all over. I'll be finished school. Its scary.
Like last day of school, Tuesday, didn't feel like last day - probably coz of the suddenness of it being over, and not be told it was last day til 10 min before we left... It feels very surreal.
24th June, I am finished with that place. Forever.
Like last day of school, Tuesday, didn't feel like last day - probably coz of the suddenness of it being over, and not be told it was last day til 10 min before we left... It feels very surreal.
24th June, I am finished with that place. Forever.
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Reply
6 min read
I'm giving up my laptop tomorrow so this is the last attempt. I'm not going to attempt to write any more replies. Fair enough that you are not my friends. I falsely felt like a martyr and acted on it in an incorrect way. I accused you of things I should have actually have spoken to you about first, to all of you and not just Leeona ages ago. Is there anything I can really say to make you change your minds?
At the time, I was angry, sick and frustrated. I acted rashly, because I thought I was right. I felt like ye were all together in Dublin and had forgotten about me. I felt alone and I was panicking. And I lashed out, because I thought I had the upper hand and you'd see the error of your ways. I vomited out all this harsh stuff and promptly forgot about it. It cleared it out of me and I went on with things.
My first reaction on getting your replies was to attack. Katherine "I don't know if you remember the times I've asked whether you're home, in Dublin etc. and you were in Fionn's, so we didn't hang out." No, I do not remember these times, I'm sorry, but no. And if you had asked over the last 6 months, I would have jumped at it. But it could be just me being oblivious. I'm good at that at the moment. Leeona, I was fully ready to hit you for "made up problems", "childish behaviour" and "genuine personal insult" - I was so so angry. I wrote three replies full of venom and sarcasm, was fully ready to never speak to you again, because how could you speak to me that way. How could you say that to me. I could go on longer. I won't. This will only make it worse for me.
Ok.
Katherine, yes you are right. I should have told you. I should not have just attacked, I should especially not have done so without talking to you. Most of what I felt angry about was that this was like the third time in a row I had tried to ask you to something at mine, that you hadn't come, and you hadn't even given me a reason. And Shane and Jeff were doing the same thing to me too.
Yes I should have told you I was having issues not just expected you to know. But it is very hard to do when your text messages saying hello are being ignored, there's a big leap to going "Kat, I'm sorry, I have a problem, I need help". There was very little two way conversation going on. I didn't realise how much college was taking up of your time, but I know practically nothing of your life at the moment.
Leeona. Ok, no I am still angry. Not furious, but angry. So I'm not allowed to say "I don't know"? I'm sorry Leeona, but that has to be the most grown up thing I've ever said. At the moment at very least. My made up problems. That's what hurts most, because I thought you understood. I'm not dealing? Everyday, I am dealing. I'm dealing by admiting that I don't know. I could agree with everything you just said, say "I know, I'm sorry" and roll over, and then go back to doing everything I said I wouldn't. But I'm not. Yes I cried while I was writing this, but then I took a deep breathe and continued on. I don't know what would happen if I was saying this in person, but I would hope that I could do better.
I attacked without reason to you. But there was reason to me. Yes i am doing my Leaving Cert, but I'm not you. What do you want me to say? Fuck it, I said I wouldn't spend this attacking you. Thank you for admitting you've not forgiven me for April. You made very valid points, you all do deal with this on a "tough love" basis, you deal with things by yourselves. I do do things "childish"ly, like the current situation. I shall work at that.
But I am not the "cool collected Karen" of before anymore. I'm also doing my best to avoid being the Karen who was going out of her mind of last April. I don't know who I am currently but I am working on that. "all the little problems that meld together" is part of my problem. And the only way it doesn't all go to shit, is by talking about it. And that is why Fionn helps. I was sick when I wrote this, and most of it was composed in my head at 4 in the morning. I didn't talk it through with anyone. I should have. But I have spoken to you previously, before Christmas on this same topic, and it did feel like you just brushed me off. But anyway.
Michelle, I fucked up. Big time. I knew you felt like shit, but I really felt this was Stephen all over again. I over thought and blamed you. But yes, my xanga is only ever me, just me through the internet. And that's probably the real reason I closed it, is because it showed too much of me. How horrible I really am.
I know really, none of you have forgiven me for last April. This is really the last nail in my coffin. There never really would be any real redeeming speech i could come out with after all this. Thank you for being there. I'm not going to set up another xanga. That gallant gesture didn't work. But I'm not going to delete this.
It is my fault this happened. I accept that. I accept that it will never be the same no matter what I say, or what I do. What ever comes next is up to you.
At the time, I was angry, sick and frustrated. I acted rashly, because I thought I was right. I felt like ye were all together in Dublin and had forgotten about me. I felt alone and I was panicking. And I lashed out, because I thought I had the upper hand and you'd see the error of your ways. I vomited out all this harsh stuff and promptly forgot about it. It cleared it out of me and I went on with things.
My first reaction on getting your replies was to attack. Katherine "I don't know if you remember the times I've asked whether you're home, in Dublin etc. and you were in Fionn's, so we didn't hang out." No, I do not remember these times, I'm sorry, but no. And if you had asked over the last 6 months, I would have jumped at it. But it could be just me being oblivious. I'm good at that at the moment. Leeona, I was fully ready to hit you for "made up problems", "childish behaviour" and "genuine personal insult" - I was so so angry. I wrote three replies full of venom and sarcasm, was fully ready to never speak to you again, because how could you speak to me that way. How could you say that to me. I could go on longer. I won't. This will only make it worse for me.
Ok.
Katherine, yes you are right. I should have told you. I should not have just attacked, I should especially not have done so without talking to you. Most of what I felt angry about was that this was like the third time in a row I had tried to ask you to something at mine, that you hadn't come, and you hadn't even given me a reason. And Shane and Jeff were doing the same thing to me too.
Yes I should have told you I was having issues not just expected you to know. But it is very hard to do when your text messages saying hello are being ignored, there's a big leap to going "Kat, I'm sorry, I have a problem, I need help". There was very little two way conversation going on. I didn't realise how much college was taking up of your time, but I know practically nothing of your life at the moment.
Leeona. Ok, no I am still angry. Not furious, but angry. So I'm not allowed to say "I don't know"? I'm sorry Leeona, but that has to be the most grown up thing I've ever said. At the moment at very least. My made up problems. That's what hurts most, because I thought you understood. I'm not dealing? Everyday, I am dealing. I'm dealing by admiting that I don't know. I could agree with everything you just said, say "I know, I'm sorry" and roll over, and then go back to doing everything I said I wouldn't. But I'm not. Yes I cried while I was writing this, but then I took a deep breathe and continued on. I don't know what would happen if I was saying this in person, but I would hope that I could do better.
I attacked without reason to you. But there was reason to me. Yes i am doing my Leaving Cert, but I'm not you. What do you want me to say? Fuck it, I said I wouldn't spend this attacking you. Thank you for admitting you've not forgiven me for April. You made very valid points, you all do deal with this on a "tough love" basis, you deal with things by yourselves. I do do things "childish"ly, like the current situation. I shall work at that.
But I am not the "cool collected Karen" of before anymore. I'm also doing my best to avoid being the Karen who was going out of her mind of last April. I don't know who I am currently but I am working on that. "all the little problems that meld together" is part of my problem. And the only way it doesn't all go to shit, is by talking about it. And that is why Fionn helps. I was sick when I wrote this, and most of it was composed in my head at 4 in the morning. I didn't talk it through with anyone. I should have. But I have spoken to you previously, before Christmas on this same topic, and it did feel like you just brushed me off. But anyway.
Michelle, I fucked up. Big time. I knew you felt like shit, but I really felt this was Stephen all over again. I over thought and blamed you. But yes, my xanga is only ever me, just me through the internet. And that's probably the real reason I closed it, is because it showed too much of me. How horrible I really am.
I know really, none of you have forgiven me for last April. This is really the last nail in my coffin. There never really would be any real redeeming speech i could come out with after all this. Thank you for being there. I'm not going to set up another xanga. That gallant gesture didn't work. But I'm not going to delete this.
It is my fault this happened. I accept that. I accept that it will never be the same no matter what I say, or what I do. What ever comes next is up to you.
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Replies
1 min read
Yes I will write replies. But I will wait until I've been to the doctor and stop running a temperature. Me being sick and emotional and irrational got me into this mess, I'm not burrowing myself in deeper by replying stupidly while I feel like shit. So you will be replied to after I go to the doctors today, probably tomorrow or the day after.
I'm not stalling to overthink my answers, I'm waiting until I can say something vaguely rational.
I'm not stalling to overthink my answers, I'm waiting until I can say something vaguely rational.
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I don't know anymore
2 min read
Should I say I'm sorry about my last journal?
I was angry and I meant what it said at the time. I don't blame you for being angry, but I'm sick of a lot of it. I am grateful for ye letting me stay at your house. I was very happy to spend time with Leeona and David. But it still feels like I never see anyone. Its frustrating.
I can make a whole load of excuses. Like I'm completely mindfucked about June, and what I want to do. Coz at this stage I'm really not sure. And there really feels like I have no one to really talk about it to. The rest of my friends are all leaving certs and can't see past it, or well.., not bothered about college.
I was also quite angry, that when I'd asked people over to mine and no one would come. But Fionn's friends would and were looking forward to it. So I threw a temper tantrum. And there was a while, where I felt I could delete you and you wouldn't notice. I suppose I realise now you'd notice you're not getting my pleas for attention.
But yes, I do feel like I no longer have my own group of friends, I feel on the edge of everything. Fuck it I even feel on the edge of my family. And at this stage, I'm realising that its not everyone else that's pushing me away, but myself that's fucking everything up by my own behaviour. Be angry, I would be too. And now I could wallow in self-pity and tell everyone how shit I am. I won't. I made a mistake. I should have put that somewhere more private. "I know, I'm sorry." is not my response here. Its more "I'm still angry, but its not really your fault, its my own" is more my response.
I was angry and I meant what it said at the time. I don't blame you for being angry, but I'm sick of a lot of it. I am grateful for ye letting me stay at your house. I was very happy to spend time with Leeona and David. But it still feels like I never see anyone. Its frustrating.
I can make a whole load of excuses. Like I'm completely mindfucked about June, and what I want to do. Coz at this stage I'm really not sure. And there really feels like I have no one to really talk about it to. The rest of my friends are all leaving certs and can't see past it, or well.., not bothered about college.
I was also quite angry, that when I'd asked people over to mine and no one would come. But Fionn's friends would and were looking forward to it. So I threw a temper tantrum. And there was a while, where I felt I could delete you and you wouldn't notice. I suppose I realise now you'd notice you're not getting my pleas for attention.
But yes, I do feel like I no longer have my own group of friends, I feel on the edge of everything. Fuck it I even feel on the edge of my family. And at this stage, I'm realising that its not everyone else that's pushing me away, but myself that's fucking everything up by my own behaviour. Be angry, I would be too. And now I could wallow in self-pity and tell everyone how shit I am. I won't. I made a mistake. I should have put that somewhere more private. "I know, I'm sorry." is not my response here. Its more "I'm still angry, but its not really your fault, its my own" is more my response.
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