literature

She Whispers.

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whildchild's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

Fairy godmother, hidden curse,
Wishes of heaven, but so much worse,
Stomach empty, utter bliss,
I miss her.

And the mirror yells at me,
And I do not wish to see
That this could be better,
I miss her.

I can't bear her,
I know what she would prefer,
She would keep me,
But I need to miss her.
Comments11
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Kip--Kip's avatar
Hey! It's Kipper here from #Live-Love-Write I thought I'd drop by to give you some feedback on this piece. Just to clarify, I really enjoyed this poem as it is, any comments I make are me nit-picking, so please feel free to ignore anything I say!

First off I love the idea of incorporating images from fairy tales, it gives the whole piece a bit of a whimsical edge, but you've done it in such a clever way that it doesn't over power your own ideas. Well done!

I also really enjoyed the choppy nature of you present your ideas, it really suits the content of the poem.

You employ a really interesting rhyme scheme in this poem, which almost escaped me on the first reading. I think this is a good thing since it means that the word choice seems natural and you're not forcing your ideas to fit the rhyme scheme you've chosen. I particularly liked the last two lines of the first stanza, the internal rhyme there makes the 'her' stand alone a little more and places a strange sort of emphasis on it. I'd be really interested to see if you could use this more!

The only slight issue I had with this poem is the last stanza. I feel like it's slightly weaker than the rest of the poem (although in fairness it's still very good!) I think I understand what you mean by the "She would keep me," line, in that she would want the narrative voice to stay with her? But I'm not sure your word choice there really does justice to the idea? But I'm just being picky now!

I would also consider possibly putting a full stop after the first line of the last verse. So it reads " I can't bear her. / I know what she would prefer" I think this would make it more punchy and would seperate the "I" and "her" characters both visually and audibly. If that makes sense?

Again these are just a couple of personal ideas. I really enjoyed this poem overall. Thank you so much for posting it to #Live-Love-Write and I look forward to reading more of your writing soon!